Have you spent much of your life in pursuit of happiness, only to find it slip through your fingers again and again? If happiness is so elusive, then how have other people been able to attain it? Why do some babies smile and coo, while other babies frown and scowl? Is happiness a trait you’re either born with or not?

There are people who seem to be happy all the time, no matter what the circumstance. On the other hand, there are people who seem to have a dark shadow following them wherever they go.

In 1876, the great Russian novelist, Fyodor Dostoevsky, wrote, “Happiness does not lie in happiness, but in the achievement of it.” If pure happiness is an illusion, then, perhaps, we should not pursue it head-on, but allow ourselves to experience it as a by-product of an activity or event.

As adults, we hear many tapes in our head. Messages from our parents, siblings, teachers, and friends. Your parents may have told you that you don’t deserve happiness unless you do x, y, or z with your life. Those old negative voices may shout at you each time you start to feel happy. So you retreat. After all, how could your parents be wrong? To prove them right, you sabotage yourself over and over again.

It’s time to control your thoughts and beliefs. First, you must recognize the “tapes” for what they are. Then, you must separate your own thoughts from those of your parents and other significant influencers. Once you believe you are worthy of happiness, you will be able to attain it.

Follow these common-sense tips as you reprogram your mind.

• Think positive. Stay away from pessimists. They will zap your psychic and physical energy, and leave you feeling drained and depressed. Surround yourself with people who are upbeat and life-affirming. Be selective when you choose your friends.
• Exercise with an optimist. Not only will the exercise improve your mood by increasing your endorphin levels, but happiness is infectious and will “rub” off on you. Unfortunately, the same holds true when you’re around negative people. Their sorrow will envelope you and bring you down..
• Laugh your way to happiness. The more you smile, the happier you will feel. There is a positive physiological response when the muscles around your mouth are turned up, rather than down. If you feel a bad mood coming on, watch a comedy, not a heavy drama.
• The words that come out of your mouth will affect your mood. Get rid of the “buts” and the “what ifs” and the “if onlys.” Use positive terms when you speak to others or when you “mind talk.” When you tell yourself that you’re a failure and a loser, your subconscious mind will accept those words without question. Likewise, if you tell yourself that you’re successful, happy, productive, and wonderful, your subconscious mind will accept those words as gospel.
• Express gratitude. Be thankful for all the good things in your life. Take nothing for granted. Speak the words, “I’m grateful for…(fill in the blank)” every day. Express your love to the people you cherish. Don’t assume they already know how you feel. The words,”I love you,” are as powerful to the one who speaks them as they are to the one who hears them.
• Be sociable…even if you have to force yourself. People who isolate themselves from others do not fare as well as those who socialize. If you’re an introvert, only socialize with your closest friends. Social interaction not only helps to elevate your mood, but it contributes to your general sense of well-being, to your physical and mental health, and adds years to your life.
• Take control of your life. Establish healthy relationships, make wise career decisions, eat responsibly, and get 7 to 8 hours of sleep each night.
• Release your anger. Write your grievances on a piece of paper, then burn it. Or, write a letter to someone who hurt you, then throw the letter away. Repressed anger causes depression, and is a major contributing factor in heart disease and cancer.
• Forgive others and, more importantly, forgive yourself. Live in the present, plan for the future, learn from, then let go of, the past.
• Make both short-term and long-term goals. Reward yourself frequently. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a beloved friend.

Please share your views on happiness. Let’s try to add at least 10 more tips to this list.